James

I do not have much from what I still refer to as to as a place that I have always called ‘Home’, I cannot help but always think back to the last time that I was truly happy.

St. David’s in Pembrokeshire was a quick baptism of fire and feelings. For the short time that I lived there I found true love, and loss, I should never have left St. David’s, it has always been the biggest mistake that I made, but when your young, immature, and make too many mistakes and don’t put those that you love first instead of stupid computers.

I needed to go I suppose to survive, I did not know then just how much falling in love with Jo would leave a mark on my entire life then and since, it is so strange that I would give up everything to just see her again just once, I am so happy that unlike me she has found love and even got married, I just hope that she is truly happy now being Jo-Ann Milne, Me sadly, as my life is moving into it’s final phase, all I seem to think about these days was my time in St. David’s.

It is strange that as time goes on we hold on to things throughout our life that means so much to us, for me it is these two mugs, a copy of her Dad’s Book, an old recipe book that Jo kept, a few letters, photos and kitchen cloth that was once Jo’s, just a few of the things that mean more to me that anything that I own.

I am not having a good time of late and have not had a good time in a long while, I am pretty low and things seem to be getting to me a lot more than they should. I have given up with a lot of my hobbies and just fed up with people that I once called friends, especially when they send you texts saying that they have sold items that they knew that I wanted, without even offering it in the first place, I could do without the gloating, especially when I am feeling so shit at present.

I have had a good life really, well up until the last 5 years that is, I have had some good career choices and most would not have happened if it was not because of my early interests into computers back in St. David’s, back then I did not see the wedge that was being pushed between what I should have been concerned about, maybe if I had told Jo just how beautiful she was more, bought her flowers instead of floppy disks, and spent less time stuck in front of a computer screen, and more being attentive and caring.

I am pretty sure that she would have not felt the same way or even given me a glancing thought since those days back then. But for me she was ‘the one’ that I let go because I did so many things wrong, I always remember her dad used to say that ‘Life is a Bitch and then you Die’, he was so right as he always was, and for a brief time was the nearest thing that I had to being a father to me.

I hate feeling this way, I thought things were getting better but for way too many reasons, I just am finding it hard to dig myself out of these dips at present.

I have a good life to a certain extent, and as good as someone suffering from ‘Terminal Cancer’ can be, certainly my time back in the UK was better, I had my best earning jobs, and jobs that did not pay enough but I enjoyed more than anything I’ve done since, and for a brief time things have gone well, maybe it’s in the water here on the Isle of Man that gives you Cancer and makes you just want to give up, but I feel that had enough of life sometimes, but that’s me just being sad.

I was looking at my e-mails the other day and sore that I had over 8000 unread e-mails and I just cannot get the push to look through them and sort them out, and I just wish that we were not so attached to these devices so much, I really wish that I had a lifeline to the past – I Miss St. David’s and I also miss Jo and always have.